Thursday, November 4, 2010

Come meet the Royal Vet! (Guest Post)

Hey all it's Miss! The Royal Vet!
So the lovely and talented Royal Bartender AKA Just Jen has asked me to guest post! WOW!
I couldn't figure out what to write about though. 
Then it hit me....You all just wanna know about all the dirty shit on the Royal Family what it's  like to work for the Royal Family anyways...So I will tell you about the day that Jen and I first met!

If you don't know, I am the Royal Vet.
(And I wore my knees to the caps performing sexual favors to get this position!)
I take care of the Alligators, the Queen's personal Zoo, and any animals the Royals decide look cute and haveta have on any particular day. 
But my first day was hell. The Queen herself personally introduced me to the Gators. Letting them all know I was not food. I thought that was that. My job would be a breeze. Ya I know...I'm too naive.

You see...The Gators like to haze. (They're really fucking smart. Which is why they protect the Royals and the Beer Tab Crown.) Within seconds of the Queen walking away I had one Gator tell me that I needed to clear the moat of debris. I thought there was a cleaning crew for that....But I didn't want to risk disrespecting a Gator. So I got to work. An hour in and CB Was standing on the draw bridge throwing shoes at me telling me to stop being such a dumb fuck and letting the dam gators make a fool out of me.
Then, like that wasn't humiliating enough,  as I was climbing out of the moat One Gator mom started screaming that I had stolen her eggs. Ya....You don't want to know what security does to you when they think you have stolen a Royal Gator Egg....I still have a nervous twitch.
Hours later when after I had been thoroughly probed for alligator eggs I was released and had a few xanax I finally got to start my ACTUAL job, I was trying to  give the Gator's their immunizations. Next thing I know one smartass Gator starts hollering that I probed him up the ass....Which of course sends all the Gators running and hiding and calling for my dismissal. 
( I would molest an Alligator!!!)
At that point I thought "Screw it! I am going to get a drink." 

I hunt all over that dam castle and finally find the storage room (Which is it's own wing in the castle.) for all the booze. (I learned later that their is booze in every room if you know where to look.) I go for a bottle of Rum when all of a sudden I hear this southern drawl tellin me to put the bottle down or get my ass whomped. I looked over to see this short little pixie giving me the stink eye. Really? Today of all days?
 "Fuck her" I thought. And took a swig.
Next thing I know I am waking up on the floor.
The psycho little bitch knocked me the fuck out.
Second time that day I was hauled off to security. 
Thankfully the Queen showed up a few hours later, laughing her ass off I might add, (Seriously I thought the old bat would piss her depends) and thoroughly enjoying all the fun her new Vet had that day.
Once Jen and I were properly introduced, and she promised never to hit me again (Which I believe cause she said it while handing me a vodka tonic.) We ended up really hitting it off.
But make no mistake...I will never underestimate her again.
She may be tiny. But that bitch could shiv me in the back faster than I could shoot tequila!

Well folks that's me! It's been a pleasure hangin out with you today!



Anonymous said...

LOLOLOL OMG I nearly spit diet coke on my laptop, that is hilarious! :)

Just Jen said...

See what happens when you try to help yourself to drinks at MY bar!?!? Love you, Miss C!

Crazy Brunette said...

Love you bitch! I wouldn't toss shoes at your ass if I didn't!