THESE ARE NOT MY THOUGHTS!!! [Well, I didn't comeup with this list, even though I have thought almost all of these before!] (I bet you have too, though!!)
I found this list on a blog that I just started following. She is too funny! You should check her out! Skinny Bitching!
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can thinkabout is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my ownstory that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realizeyou're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink tohave fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint andsticks when they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you'regoing in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to begoing? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction fromwhich you came, you have to first do something like check your watch orphone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure thatno one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switchingdirections on the sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I wasyounger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never beending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn'twork? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix theproblem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how tofix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. Wejust figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomesstressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutesshiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at theright parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and amillisecondearlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped onhighway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually Idecided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walkover there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that,Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out myhand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's amirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side isme. Even cats can recognize their own image.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand thantake2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to thespread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else tosay".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantrontest is absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquiredabout the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all Ihear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod andsmile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up toprevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today Ihad to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's Gas in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow eachother?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road andinstinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure Iknow how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how theperson died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in theshower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and you can wear them forever.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profileis public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the RedRyder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring wouldprobably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to goaround and say their name and where they are from, I get so incrediblynervous?Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be aproblem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at workwhen you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anythingproductive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't wantto have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are goingto die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me ifI want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear Idid not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watchingTV.There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if Ikeep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It'sonly a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will westill be friends after this?'
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for Chinaand USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain thatwhen Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes tovoicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and runaway?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeinganyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn'talready told me but that I have learned from some light internetstalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, thenI like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speedfor pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, butno matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still notknow what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not toanswer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, Ifind out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from thefact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do towith it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keysin a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my asseveryone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what wouldhappen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and thelink takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone theydrive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday orSaturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, sawthey had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think aboutit, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eatingto require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard beforedinner.