Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dear Ex- Husband, Guest Post: A Spicy Cat Lady!

Hey everyone! It's the Spicy Cat Lady here... aka Kim! The awesome Royal Bartender, aka Jen invited me to write a guest post for her blog. I'm proud to say that she has de-virginized me... this is my FIRST guest appearance ever!

Hmmm... as I'm writing this I'm wondering how do I become a part of the Royal Family?! I think they need a Spicy Cat Lady to add some extra spice in their lives! Hint... hint... to the Queen!

It took me a while to figure out what to write, and then my asshole ex-husband sent me a text... so this next part I dedicate to him!

Dear ex-husband...I would like to clear up some of the lies and mis-information you have been feeding people:

1) I did not "cheat on you" and cause the breakup of our marriage. We had been separated for the better part of a year, and I had already filed divorce papers. Even before we were separated, we had sex MAYBE once or twice a month for 3 years (BAD sex at that).

2) Thank you for blaming all your social shortcomings on me. You have told multiple people that I never wanted to hang out with any of your friends, and that's why you had lost contact with them over the years. Bullshit. You are just cheap and no fun. If it involved travel, money, or staying out past 7:00pm, then you weren't interested. You also kept calling me fat, and then wondered why I didn't want to be anywhere near you.

3) I will let you continue to tell people I am engaged to "some geek I met on the internet". However, you should also tell them that he is goddamn AMAZING in bed. Just this morning I woke up to him gently massaging my ass; before I knew it he was pulling my hair as I was gagging on his fat cock. You can fill in the blanks as to what happened next...oh wait, no you can't, because all you know how to do is a couple thrusts in the missionary position before your tiny, weird-looking little penis dribbles out its contents. And for the love of God (since you can't seem to figure it out on your own OR from my guidance), watch some porn and learn how to locate the clitoris.

4) Go ahead and crow to everyone how I "got to keep everything". Just so we're clear, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't even be in this country. You were here working cash and illegal, and thanks to me you are now a Canadian citizen.... that's worth more then some furniture and dishes.

5) You have conveniently neglected to tell all of these people that you are gay. You can keep telling yourself that you're straight, but anyone who likes to let men suck his dick AND reciprocates is, in fact, homosexual. Thanks for letting me find out that little tidbit after we got married instead of before, cocksucker. And don't EVEN try to say you're bi, because you made it evident to me over the years that you hate tits and vagina. I love me some gay men, but I didn't want to be married to one.

6) You mentioned that I hated talking with your family...completely true. They were weird as hell, and still are for all I know.

7) Please don't give out my phone number to strangers. I don't appreciate that you tell them I'm an escort, and then get phone calls all hours of the night asking my rates. If I get one more of those calls I will be hallin your ass to jail. I never filed a restraining order before, but I have no problem doing it now.

So I guess that ends my rant. If you want to tell your friends anything else about me, then tell them I'm very happy with my internet-geek boyfriend and new, normal, soon to be sane in-laws. Just so you know, this is the only place I have talked trash about you since our divorce. If telling people all that shit about me makes you feel better, then more power to you.
P.S.-change your passwords, dumbass.

Well folks hope you enjoyed my bitchin for the day... stop by my blog to hear me rant and rave every other day of the week! It's been a pleasure hangin out with you!



Sandra said...

OMG, I think we were married to the exact same man!
I've never done the "Dear Asshole Ex-Husband" post, but by god, I loved loved LOVED reading yours! I could not have done my ex as much justice as you did yours!
In my case though, you could have had even more fun because my ex married a crazy lady who is hooked on plastic surgery and now looks like Joan Rivers. We call her Cat-Woman because her eyes are pulled so far back into her temples. Feel free to write about her if ever the urge should strike! :)

Oh,fuck it. said...

WOW,love this post!!!!!!

Ladii Aponte said...

lmao too funny he sounds like hes acting like a middle school drama queen guys and their whiny ness

lisaschaos said...

Wow! think I could have learned a thing or two from you! LOVE your accompanying photos!