Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Depression & Me: My Story



  • 1.feelings of severe despondency and dejection"self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression.

  • My Story With Depression:
    My depression started when I was 13 years old.My dad told me on my birthday that he always hated me and wish my mother would have aborted me when she had the chance.
    Shortly after, my best friend in middle school (We'll call her C) committed suicide because her father was sexually assaulting her. I was heart broken.I tried to kill myself shortly after. I was sent to a mental hospital the next day.I stayed for a month and then was transferred to a place called Youth Focus for another year.
    6 months after I was admitted at Youth Focus, my parents sent me a package that C sent me the day before she killed herself. It was a letter to me, and videos of her father abusing her.They thought that when it came, two days after her death, that I was too weak to see what was in it.I turned the tapes into the police & her father is still in jail for what he did to her.It was brutal .
    When I went home, my dad started beating me with a 2x4 paddle that he made.I was out of school for weeks at a time because I literally  could NOT sit down. I had to take baths on my stomach.I told teachers. I told the school nurse, but by the time I was allowed to go back to school, after a "serious illness", the bruises were gone and no one believed me.
    I started running away then. I was 15 years old.They always seemed to find me and bring me back home.At that point, when they brought the police one time, I threatened to kill myself again and was put in another hospital under suicide watch.I was there for another 6 months.
    After being released, my dad kept hitting me and I continued to run away.My parents started having everyone I stayed with arrested for Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor.
    When I was 18 years old, my dad had his 2nd heart attack and I moved out.I dropped out of school 2 months before graduation.I moved in with a so called friend that stole things from me to buy drugs.So, I moved out. I moved in with a friend of a friend, and was doing pretty well, until I got sick from my birth control implant.
    My only choice was to call my mom.I moved back in 1 day before Thanksgiving and decided to finish high school.I was put on a contract with the school and graduated in 2000.
    I met & married the guy I thought I loved and ended up pregnant with in a few months. I found out he was cheating on me the whole time, and the depression hit hard again.
    Skip ahead a few years, and I met my now husband, The Man.After 9 years together, my close friend from high school was killed in a car accident August 10, 2013. The depression came back hard. I started treatment and therapy, and it really seemed to help.....
    Until December 8, 2014 when my dad died.I don't know why that hit me so hard.I hated him for what he had done to me, but I went to the hospital, prayed for him, and forgave him for what he had done.
    Depression hit me again and my meds were changed. they didn't help, so they were changed 3 more times. When we finally had me feeling better, my husband and I got married at Myrtle Beach on August 22, 2015.
    September 10th, 2015, I cut my foot really bad on a piece of glass. I had 2 surgeries to fix it, and was not allowed to walk without a walker, no pressure on my foot.I was stuck in a chair.
    November 17, 2015, my best friend of 16 years (We'll call her J) died of a heroin overdose.She was 32 years old.She left behind a 9 year old daughter.My meds were changed again at the beginning of December.
    Since then, my depression has never been this bad.It's hard for me to get out of the bed every day.I cry for her every day.I cry for her daughter every day.I miss her constantly.Every second of every day.I wish I could text her.I wish I could call her.I wish I could hug her one last time and tell her I love her.
    I visit her parents as much as I can, but I haven't been cleared by my orthopedic doctor to drive yet, so it's hard to get there as much as I want to.
    Depression is a really hard thing to deal with.You can't always tell when someone is depressed.It's easy to hide most of the time, but other times, it's written all over your face.
    Now, it's all over my face.I'm not suicidal, but I don't think I will ever get over J's death.
    I don't see my physiotherapist again until February, so my meds won't be changed before that.
    Please, don't judge people.You never know what they may be going through.They may have a smile on their face while their heart is broken in two.
    All my love:Jenn 

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